…But It’s Affecting Me Anyway!
A light-hearted, quick-start guide for living, working, and being social with people who’ve got ADHD.
By: Michael Sher
Chances are, you’ve met someone with ADHD – let’s call her Andy. Her energy and enthusiasm are infectious, her ability to lose track of tasks (and time) is legendary, and her meticulous plans are a slightly tidy, ever-growing pile on her desk. She’s charming, caring, and can make you want to pull your hair out faster than she can lose her keys!
In this article, we’ll use three scenarios to explore how Andy’s ADHD traits can affect those around her (ie. us) and offer practical tips to help us all stay sane and productive.
Scenario 1: Scattered Focus and the 10-Minute Coffee Break That Almost Happened
It’s a regular morning for Andy. Her team meeting starts at 08:30 – in 30 minutes – and she’s fresh out of bed with a plan:
- 4 minutes: Go downstairs and make coffee
- 1 minute: Bring coffee upstairs to the study
- 5 minutes: Change into work clothes and brush teeth
- 3 minutes: Back to the study and wait for Windows to boot
- 17 minutes: Margin of error – use for catching up on emails before the meeting starts
It’s a super-simple plan with a decent margin of error, so she’s well on her way to a great start to her day. On her way down the stairs, she picks up the laundry basket (“saves time – the washing machine is in the kitchen too”). Halfway down, she remembers yesterday’s coffee cup is still in the study… Leaving the basket behind, she goes back for the cup (“leaving it is messy, and I’m going to the kitchen anyway – so it’s tidy AND efficient to do this”). In the study, holding the used coffee cup like the trophy of ADHD productivity it is, she sees her latest to-do list, and the top item on jumps out at her. “Email Fred about his report.” She decides to do it right away (“It’s a 30-second email; I’m already by the laptop!”). She turns the laptop on and, while waiting for her laptop’s ‘I’m ready’ chime, she looks around and her books aren’t straight. So she starts tidying them (“the laptop will take a minute; I can do at least 10 books in that time!”). At 08:28, she’s done half her book collection and MS Teams has pinged to let her know that Michelle has just started the morning meeting. Andy is still in her pyjamas. Her laundry basket is on the stairs. And the closest she’s gotten to caffeine? Yesterday’s cup – still in her hand!
Perspectives: what you’re thinking is not what she’s thinking.
From Andy’s perspective, she just spent 30 minutes executing a purely logical set of actions, staunchly targeting heroic levels of efficiency through thoughtful multitasking.
“To her team, she’s showing up as unprepared (again) and off-camera (again!) and delaying their meetings (again!).”
For her family and colleagues? Our (still-pyjama-clad) protagonist is likely a source of ongoing frustration. To her team, she’s showing up as unprepared (again) and off-camera (again!) and delaying their meetings (again!). To her family, she’s almost completed a series of almost-relevant tasks (again), while using almost all the time meant for something else…
Practical Tips for Reducing Frustration and Improving Outcomes
If you have someone like Andy in your work environment, here are some handy tips:
- Give them (very) gentle nudges at suitable intervals – say, 30 minutes, 10 minutes, and 3 minutes before. This will increase their likelihood of being present when you’d like. Just remember: it’s a likelihood you’re increasing – not a certainty!
- If you’re a manager, consider that some tasks will play to Andy’s strengths while others may not. Her productivity – and your team’s – can be boosted by allocating her tasks aligned with her strong points (think research-based tasks or work with well-defined steps).
- Plan for ADHD-related ‘scatterbrained’ behaviour – rather than hoping it won’t happen. As well as managing your expectations – and reducing possible frustration levels – this can lower stress levels for everyone involved while improving outcomes.
“Stick with getting coffee; ignore the laundry for now; fully feel the discomfort in that small moment of inefficiency!”
FYI for ADHD Folks: Practice what we call “Purposeful-Led Inefficiency.” When tempted to pivot to another task in an attempt to streamline everything, pause. Let that inefficiency happen! Stick with getting coffee; ignore the laundry for now; fully feel the discomfort in that small moment of inefficiency! You’ll thank yourself later when the meeting starts on time and you’re not trying to brush your teeth while getting dressed as the camera turns on!
Scenario 2: Hyperfocus and the Never-Ending Joy of Rabbit Holes
Let’s switch now to Andy in full flow at work. She’s a coding expert known for brilliance in user interfaces. On Monday morning, her manager Martin assigns her three interfaces due by Tuesday late afternoon. It’s well within her capacity and she’s excited to help.
She starts with the second interface right away because it sparked a curious idea for her. Three hours later, she’s fully engrossed. Six hours later her body enforces a toilet break, and then she’s back into it. By lunchtime Tuesday, she’s done it… but when Martin checks in he sees she still has the other two to do, and there isn’t the time for it.
He manages to rectify the situation by pulling team members in from other projects, but the last-minute scramble affects everyone’s morale and ratchets up the time pressure on those other projects.
Perspectives: what you’re feeling is not what she’s feeling!
From Andy’s perspective – like many with ADHD – she slipped into hyperfocus: an intense state of concentration where time ceases to exist, similar to the state of flow that deeply expert people and athletes occasionally achieve. More than that, she achieved something satisfyingly unique in realising that curious idea she had.
From her team’s perspective? She failed spectacularly! Her simple assignment snowballed into chaos affecting other projects and morale. Her relationships with colleagues is affected, and she’s even worrying about keeping her job.
Practical Tips for Managing Hyperfocus-Related Issues
Managing hyperfocus can be easier than scattered attention with these practical tips:
- Regular check-ins (say every two hours) from Martin will allow him to intervene sooner if he notices Andy focusing excessively on one task.
- Regular check-ins will also naturally reduce Andy’s intensity of concentration – lowering the chances she goes too deep down that rabbit hole (or squirrel hole).
- Martin can focus Andy on several smaller tasks with shorter deadlines, which will help preclude hyperfocus. (He should take care to preserve an overall fairness in workload across the team.)
- Define chunks of working time with short breaks in between (AKA the ‘Pomodoro method’). This could involve using timers or nudges from Martin – or even software that locks computers every hour for a few minutes (as used in some European companies). (For those who are curious, no tomatoes are involved in the Pomodoro method. Usually…)
FYI for ADHD Folks: Be aware of your hyperfocus tendencies. As amazing as it feels to get lost in flow, you can add more value by not diving too deep into rabbit holes. Build habits of pausing regularly (like getting up for a walk every hour) and consider asking coworkers for help staying on track.
Scenario 3: Slightly Social, Partial Participation, and Dead Deadlines
Let’s close by peeking into Andy’s social life. As a rule, her family and friends adore her loyalty, charm, and lively spirit… when she shows up. Alas, she is often late, double-booked, or misses get-togethers entirely.
For example, tickets for last Wednesday’s quiz night were bought by Sandy for their group of friends. Andy arrived 45 minutes late, and the team missed out on first place because she missed the tech-related questions they were relying on her to answer.
Why was she late? She lost track of time because she was engrossed in doing extra work, to show she was a team player and repair her relationship her with colleagues. When Sandy messaged, missing her and asking if she was ok, Andy panicked, and left the office post-haste, to try to be there as promised to her friends.
She did arrive at the quiz eventually, having had no supper, still in work clothes, and with her laptop still on her back. While Andy liked being with her friends she couldn’t really engage – she felt bad about letting them down, letting her team down, and not finishing the work she’d been doing.
Perspectives: not every time and place is the right time and place.
From Andy’s perspective, she was trying to prioritise doing right by everyone, because she cares, and she wanted to do it as well and as soon as possible.
From her friends’ perspective, our rushed and stressed protagonist has almost made it right for almost everyone she meant to, at almost the right time… but in fact hasn’t done any of that for anyone. Take a deep breath, guys, and let’s get some…
Practical Tips for Better Social Engagements
Andy’s friends can help her, and them, by:
- Offering gentle reminders like friendly texts before casual get-togethers (“Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow at 8pm”) followed by another, say half an hour before (“See you at Candice’s place at 8pm!”).
- Level it up with subtlety and make it harder for her to miss: offer her a lift, or ask her for one (and have her feel good for being able to help).
- For timing-sensitive events like quiz nights or concerts, let Andy buy her own ticket. Organising it herself gives her ownership and can help it stay more in the front of her mind.
- Level that up too, by occasionally by asking Andy to organise tickets for everyone.
- For events where timing is crucial (like tea parties with His Majesty Charles III), consider if taking someone else may be less stressful for you.
FYI for ADHD Folks: Accept that time management isn’t your strength – but also know it generally works out okay! Use phone reminders or share calendars with friends and ask them nicely (before they read this article!) for occasional nudges when needed.
Wrapping It Up: Expect the Expected and Manage for Mayhem
Living and working alongside someone like Andy comes with numerous benefits, as well as some negative impacts. In this article we looked at how to mitigate them. The tools, ranging from ‘expecting the expected’ to ‘co-regulating’ time management, will improve our relationships with people like Andy, and enhance outcomes across the board.
AUTHOR’S BLURB
Mike is a transformational executive coach, with a special interest in working with clients dealing with questions with no easy or obvious answers. His clients range from new parents to international music stars, from well-known rabbis to people experiencing crises of faith, as well as senior executives at global firms. His significant research on, and lived experience with, neurodiversity has seen him be a mentor and coach to numerous organisations, families, and adults dealing with it.
