“O.T.D”

Parenting youth in crisis

By: Paula Levin

“My daughter asked me for money to buy clothes. I know she intends to buy short jeans. Should I give her the money?” The question was posed by a rabbi to Rabbi Gershon Edelstein ztz”l, Rosh Yeshiva of Ponevezh, widely considered to be the Gadol Hador – one of the great spiritual leaders of the generation. “Does she usually dress that way?” he asked. “Yes,” came the answer. “Then buy them for her. Show her you’re there for her.” The story was shared by Rabbi Elimelech Gartner, family and educational counsellor and head of The Space – an integrated centre for education and therapy. Rabbi Gartner was invited to speak by a community organisation called CONNECT which was established to support parents of youth in crisis.

The phrase ‘youth in crisis’ is a huge improvement on the more colloquial term, “off the derech” or O.T.D – an epithet often used to indicate that a child or person has left the religious path (derech) of their parents. In response to this pejorative term, and the epidemic of children rejecting their parents’ religious values, author Batya Ruddell wrote a popular column and subsequent book called ‘On Their Derech’, challenging the judgemental attitudes that have brought such destruction to so many families. CONNECT is run by social workers Debbie Levin and Tracy Carno who have both personally experienced the heartbreak but also personal growth and enriched relationships of parenting children who are on their own unique journeys. During Covid, Debbie invited Rabbi YY Jacobson to give an online talk on parenting teens and adolescents. Afterwards, she asked if viewers were interested in continuing the conversation in a support group. The response to her anonymous poll was overwhelming and CONNECT was born.

The organisation’s name is highly significant because, as Rabbi Gartner emphasised in his talk, at a certain point, our only job as parents is to connect. In the early years, our job is to educate our children about what is right and wrong, to instil the ability to follow a moral path in life and become people who are decent and trustworthy. This phase of education, however, is not lifelong! Once we have taught our children our values, we must give them the freedom and responsibility to make their own choices. “After the phase of ‘chinuch’ (education), comes ‘kiruv’ (closeness/connection),” explains Rabbi Gartner. And this is what is so often misunderstood. Parents keep lecturing long after the lesson has already been delivered – ad nauseam. What this actually serves to do is relieve the child of responsibility. The more the parent argues and shouts, the less the child needs to reflect on his values and what he wants to do. “Instead of thinking about what he believes, the child uses all his energy to rebel against the parent. His focus is on getting around his parents’ controls. After all, his parent is doing the stressing for him. We see this with any project that needs to get done,” says Rabbi Gartner. “When two people have the same role, nothing gets accomplished. A big part of parenting effectively is letting go, allowing the child to make his own choices,” he says. “As long as you believe that you’re in control, you’re going to blame yourself, you’re going to suffer, you’re going to struggle, you’re going to not sleep at night – because it’s your job. But once you let go, you release, and you realise that you’re not in control. You’re not going to decide for your child. You’re not in a position to dictate to them what to do or what not to do. They are independent people. You did your job. You educated them. They know right and wrong. Now it’s up to them.”

Of course, understanding what our role is does not mean we should give up on our children. Far from it! But as children get older, the parent’s role becomes more of a consultant, coach, role model, and an influencer – never a policeman, ‘judge, jury, and executioner’! And though we need to relinquish control, we must never stop praying for them.

Father of four, Ryan Basserabie put it as follows, “We arrive at a time when, in our lives as parents, all the control you once perceived you had has vanished. All that remains are a few moments where you have an opportunity to share your insight or your wisdom that comes from your own life experience. You grasp onto these, powered by a hope that some part of the message will be heard, humbled by the knowledge that all may be in vain. All we can do and control is just love these unique G-dly souls unconditionally. They will choose their own path. It is highly unlikely that it will meet the expectations we had when we first held them in our arms. But if they are paved with love (not necessarily acceptance or respect for what they do, but rather for who they are), we may be able to smile somewhat through the pain we feel in letting go.”

“Hashem created the world in such a way that relationships are the foundation of survival,” says Rabbi Gartner. “What is most important is the relationship we build with our children. In this relationship, we are the givers and the children are the receivers. In order for them to become good, stable, strong human beings, they need to be able to trust us.” Basing his ideas on the writings on eleventh-century Spanish scholar Rabbeinu Bachya ibn Pekuda, author of Chovos Halevavos, Rabbi Gartner explains that the seven attributes Hashem has that make Him the only One we can trust are the very same attributes parents need to emulate in their relationship with their children. In short, we need to demonstrate our care and love for our children, being careful not to give them the impression that they are a burden to us (financially, emotionally, or otherwise). We need to demonstrate that we are both committed to providing for their needs and have the capacity to do so. We must show them that nothing they do will stop us from supporting them and keeping them safe. Critically, we need to ensure that they trust that we understand their needs and act in accordance with what is in their best interests, so they know we are not simply thinking of our own needs, our egos, our need for nachas, or the approval of friends, family, and community. We must offer consistent care and love, never withdrawing these things based on their behaviour. Our children must know that our love and care is always guaranteed. This way they never need to look elsewhere for this essential need. Lastly, they need to know that nothing they do will ever change our unconditional love for them. These seven attributes create the trust and healthy attachment that every child needs for their psychological, physical, and spiritual health.

Of course, achieving and demonstrating these attributes can be a tall order and parents make serious mistakes along the way. The results can be devastating because children who don’t trust their parents have little to anchor their identity, their values, their priorities, and their path. When the bond of trust is broken, children are most at risk. “Reconnection is definitely possible,” says Debbie. “But it is a process. We have to become very conscious of our emotional reactions to our children, because they will trigger us! We need to engage with them in a fully accepting, present, and loving way, being aware never to send the message that they need to conform or perform to deserve our love.” Whatever mistakes we may have made, we can’t get stuck in guilt. “We need to take responsibility and do what we can to rebuild the relationship. Jewish belief teaches that children choose their parents and parents choose children. We affect our kids and they affect us, and that is by design. Ultimately, whatever happened was guided by Hashem. Going forward, we need to take responsibility for healing the relationship.”

“When children reject the values and lifestyle of their parents it can be heart-breaking,” says Debbie. “It is a huge loss – perhaps of a future one might have envisioned. It takes time and work to process loss,” she adds. “There are no quick fixes. So the support group we created for mothers can support them through the stages of loss so that they can show up for their children unconditionally.” CONNECT aims to offer more effective ways to respond to and assist children who have chosen a different path in their Jewish observance than their parents, through telephonic or face-to-face support, guest speakers, and an inspirational WhatsApp group.

Tracy Carno, who is also a life coach, joined CONNECT to share the wisdom she has acquired navigating the challenges of a couple of her own teenagers. “I searched for an authentic Torah approach, and I found amazing educators, rabbis, and leaders who offered compassionate and supportive guidance, all emphasising that no matter what our teenagers are doing, we need to consistently be there for them, with genuine care and non-judgemental presence, to journey together in their ‘adults in training’ process. This enables them to have honest discussions with us, which reduces their having to hide their struggle, and look elsewhere for support,” says Tracy.

“Sadly, there are so many parents that don’t know or choose not to know what their kids are doing and how much they are struggling, yet it’s really up to us parents to create safe and loving spaces to hold them through these turbulent times. This reassures them of our unbreakable love and their worth. I found great relief and hope in learning that Judaism is not an all or nothing practice, and that everything we do counts. This can be very encouraging for our children, to do what they can, when they can. It’s very important too that parents themselves get support and learn to work together to best support their children. It’s common for parents to have resistance to loving their children unconditionally due to their fear about showing acceptance of their negative behaviours. Facing public opinion also gets in the way. Our kids need to know that their emotional and mental health comes first, and that their value is not dependent on their performance, nor on the opinions of others. When we learn to love ourselves unconditionally, we demonstrate this value to our kids. This lays the foundation from which they can grow,” Tracy explains. This unconditional love may be a big part of the reason her children came back to the value system they had grown up with, but Debbie cautions that this is not always the case, nor can it be our agenda.

Writing on this topic, psychologist Mindy Blumenfeld explains that it’s easier for a child to find his way back to Hashem and feel He loves and understands him, if he feels that his parents love and understand him. She explains that we should not think about a child who rejects Torah observance as someone throwing off the commitment they made at Sinai, but rather as a burn victim who is tearing off their clothing because they feel they are dying from the pain – a startling image that breaks through the judgement that leads so many parents to turn away from their struggling children.

CONNECT is there to help parents reach a place of compassion for themselves and for their children, who are acting out because of pain. For some, it’s the pain of an insecure attachment with parents, for others it’s a life trauma that has disrupted the child’s normal development – such as learning difficulties, mental illness, behavioural problems, or abuse.

Debbie and Tracy are guided by several resources such as the American organisation Kesher Nafshi, an organisation that provides support and guidance for parents with children who are struggling with Yiddishkeit and related issues, as well as the writings of Rabbi Shimon Russel, author of ‘Raising a Loving Family’ and creator of the Crisis Chinuch Model. They also refer people to Avi Fishoff’s organisation, Twisted Parenting, which focuses on the parent-child relationship rather than the child’s current behaviour.

Rabbi Russel’s personal parenting experiences forced him to look deeper at what his children needed from him – not what he needed from them. Children who reject their parents are in crisis. Rabbi Russel explains that you cannot erase whatever trauma led to this crisis but you can facilitate the recovery, repair the attachment, and stop being the target of their pain. You can also stop letting your fear make you control them. “Take your ego out of it. Your role is Ahavat Chinam (love without any cause), and repairing the attachment,” he teaches.

Debbie describes Rabbi Russel’s approach with the following quote: “Try to defy me more than I can love you, you will fail because I love you unconditionally.” Unconditional love helps reverse the rejection (from parents, friends, teachers, rabbis, or community) that created the deep pain the children are acting out. It shows them they have a place in our world, no matter what. Indeed, long gone and good riddance are the days when parents actually sat shiva for their wayward children.

In conclusion, Debbie and Tracy stress the importance of our needing to look past the externals of our children to see their essence, and to value them for who they are, building their talents and nurturing their strengths. No matter if their hair is green, or if they have tattoos and piercings, they need to know we are proud to walk alongside them. It’s about loving them for who they are, not for who we want them to be. We need to stop trying to change them, and start changing ourselves. As Rabbi Russel puts it: “Raising children is not about who they become, but about who we become in the process.”

Resources:

CONNECT – Debbie Levin +27 82 825 4283 or Tracy Carno +27 82 825 6439

Tracy’s Parenting Teenagers workshop – 3, 10, and 17 February

Kesher Nafshi keshernafshi.org

Twisted Parenting, Avi Fishoff: twistedparenting.life

Raising a Loving Family by Rabbi Shimon Russel

On Their Derech by Batya Ruddel